18 years ago today

I remember wanting you more than anything in the world. Your sister was two and I asked your father if we could try for another baby. It was in the summer... July 1988. He said yes! I was beyond ecstatic.

Eighteen years ago today, I remember my amazement when I woke up from surgery and your father told me we had a boy. I made him promise not to tell anyone else before me. The first time, I was the last one to know. This time, I wanted to be the first.

I remember them bringing you to me. C-section babies are so beautiful. No trauma. Your head was round. Your eyes asleep.

Born at 9 pounds, 11 ounces and 21 inches long -- your father saw visions of an athlete from the beginning. You do have natural abilities born from him. At 6'2 (or are you 6'3 now?) and 230 pounds, you have become a man in so many ways these last few years.

Picking your name was easy. Your father said if it's a boy, he wanted him to carry the same name. The first time, when we had Bethany, he didn't want that. For some reason, this time he did. So going into the hospital, we had a boy's name but not a girl's. Strange how that happened both times. I knew. I knew you would be a boy.

I remember you sleeping soundly as a baby. I was so worried. All I knew was a baby who had colic and cried. You rarely cried except when you were hungry. You always seemed content to watch and listen from the very beginning.

I remember Bethany always telling us what you needed... wanted. So you didn't have to speak much in those early years. You may not realize this, but the bond between the two of you was strong from the beginning. She has always loved you. She mothered you from the start.

Your sister will always be there for you... just call her and she will drop everything for you. She loves you more than you can ever imagine. Remember that when you feel alone, Joel. Always.

Bringing you home from the hospital, our family was complete. I can honestly say that was the happiest time in my life. Having my son and daughter... together at last. We were a family.

We didn't have a lot of money back then. Your father worked two jobs. I stayed home and did daycare just so you could be home with me. We didn't want your baby years to be with someone else. I wanted to be the one who taught you everything. I wanted to be the one you woke up to from your naps. I wanted to be the one to feed you, love you, take care of your every need. I wanted to be the mother.

I loved every minute of staying home with you and your sister. I want you to know that. No matter how tough life has been for me since, I have no regrets for that choice. None. I wouldn't change a single choice I made in my past. Those choices gave me you.

I remember missing your first steps. We were on one of our trips to Disney. Coming home in fact. Spring Break. You were two weeks shy of turning one. We had brought Papa and Nan along. Bethany had gotten sick in the car so I was washing blankets at the hotel laundry room. You decided to walk to Papa.

Oh how happy you made him that day! He felt so special being the first one you walked to. You always were special to him. You always made him proud.

I remember the time when you were still in your crib. You weren't even a year old yet. You kicked and broke out one of the wooden spindles one morning. You weren't crying. You were playing. From the very beginning, your strength amazed us. You were all 'boy' from birth... *lol*

Over the years you have amazed me. Your ability to make friends came easily when you began school. I still remember walking down the hall with you when you were in first grade. All the older fourth and fifth graders were saying, "Hi Joel" and "hey" to you. I kept asking how you knew the others and you simply replied, "They're my friends." You would play with them during recess. Everyone enjoyed your company.

You are 18 today. You have basically raised yourself these past two and a half years and have come out of a difficult situation a grown man. You are taking care of yourself. You are making a new life. You are making good choices. You are choosing to live honestly. Honorably. With conviction.

I will always feel cheated though. Cheated out of the last few years of being able to be a mother to you. In some ways, it was probably good for you even if it wasn't for me. You have always been strong and independent. That strong independent streak will carry you through life.

You have always been one to know what you wanted and gone after it. You don't allow rejection to get to you. You know who you are...

Omg... I still remember you as a baby... barely crawling. You'd go up to the VCR and want to touch it. I'd say, "no" and you'd back away. But only for a second. Then you'd go back again and I'd say, "no" again. We danced like that for your whole childhood. You humoring me for awhile, allowing me to 'feel' like I was the parent... and then doing what you wanted afterwards anyway. Choosing your own path that was right for you.

If it was something you wanted, you didn't take 'no' for an answer. Persistent. You are that. Self-assured. You know who you are and you don't care what others think of you.

Honest. Trustworthy. Loyal. Caring. Intelligent. Talented. You are all of these.

You know that all I ever wanted was children. The hardest thing in my life was moving home without you. I will always miss you, Joel. I will always wish I could have stayed or it would have been good for your life to leave and come with me.

But I also know, that you not only survived -- you have thrived in the independence of your situation. You have taken on the responsibility for yourself and matured into a man.

I am so proud of who you are and what you have become.

You are smart and talented enough to do anything with your life. You don't have to choose anything right now. Just know that whatever you decide -- you have all the ability in the world to make it happen.

Eighteen years ago today, I woke up to a dream come true. I had you. You make me proud every day. Every single day. Remember that always.

Happy birthday, honey...

I love you,
Mom