remembering another move

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I knew exactly where I had put it but you know how your memory goes sometimes... I had to go look to make sure that mine had served me well. It had.

In the closet of my second bedroom at the townhouse was my old shower curtain rod. Old in that it was the first thing I bought for my first ever rental home for the first time on my own two June's ago. I remember it as if it was yesterday.

A very good friend told me that I needed to have a home again now that I was offered a full time job. Living out of my car and sleeping on my mother's couch had to end. Nine months was long enough. It was time.

He gave me money and said, "Go and buy some necessities." I knew what I was going to buy. A shower curtain.

Don't ask me why that was the first thing I thought I needed, it just was. I wanted a theme too. I'd never decorated before. All of my money went to the kids and the ex when I was married. Their needs came first. I never bought more than a picture for the wall or towels or sheets.

I never "decorated" a home like most women do. All of my homes had glass doors on the showers & baths. There wasn't any 'needs' in that room for me to spend on. Nothing necessary. Decorating wasn't a necessity...

Walking into Walmart, I went straight to the bath aisle and stood there for the longest time. What did I like? What did I want? Omg... panic set in. I had no idea. I had no idea who I was.

I started to walk towards the exit as the tears began to flow. I didn't know. I didn't know who I was or what I liked. My head hung as I crawled into the car and picked up my cell. I made the call.

"I walked into the store and walked right back out," I sobbed. "I have all this money you gave me and I walked right out. $500 and I bought nothing. I don't know what I want. Something as simple as a shower curtain, and I don't even know what I like."

I was scared. Petrified of making a choice. I was confused. I had no idea what to choose.

"It's ok," he said soothingly. "I knew this is what would happen. How are you supposed to know what you want or like? For over twenty-one years you were told what to think. You were told what to like. This is part of the process of your growth. I never said growth would be easy. It's hard. Sometimes it hurts. But it's necessary."

"But how do I find *me*?" I softly cried as the tears slid down my cheeks. I felt so young and silly crying over something this simple. I should know...

"Just look until something speaks to your heart. You'll know when you see it..." he replied.

After a few more moments of support, he figuratively pushed me out of the car and back into the store. "You can do it... you will be fine. Trust me."

I wiped the wetness from my cheeks, took a deep breath, and stepped back into the store. Then I looked. And looked. And looked.

Suddenly, something surprising happened... I saw what I wanted and knew it.

The curtain had shells. Sea shells. A mauve, soft gray, soft blue patterned curtain with shells. Omg... I love the beach. I love the water. This was perfect. The colors were peaceful. I could almost hear the waves in the shells standing in that aisle holding the curtain in my arms.

A huge sigh of relief went out of me and I smiled through the left over tears. I knew what liked... where my core was at peace.

The water is home to me.

After finding the shower curtain, everything else fell into place. The shower hooks, the toothbrush holder, the soap holder... everything. Including the rod.

When I moved a year later from the little house in League City and onto the island I didn't need the rod. I remember telling him I had no use for it as there was a permanent one up in my new place. He told me to hold onto it anyway. Who knows? I might need it again someday.

Someday came this past weekend. I've found a place that I now call home. It has everything I need and more.

I have been blessed with my brother giving me his extra furniture for my living room, kitchen and patio. I have been blessed with a stove and refrigerator. I have been blessed with Faith, my newest member of my family, and a fenced yard where she can roam. I have been blessed with a garage for Hope.

The list is lengthy of my blessings. Including my brother and his friends moving me all weekend. Over the past two years, people have given to me tremendously. The move this time was overwhelming. I own 'stuff' again. Amazing.

There is much to be thankful for but I am most blessed for that man who walked with me and held my hand as I began the journey of finding out who I am. I wouldn't be here without him. I couldn't have done that first move on my own.

Emotionally, I was torn into pieces. Financially, I had nothing. Spiritually, I couldn't breathe. My core was broken. My heart wounded. My mind couldn't think.

He walked with me as I slowly found my way and, for that and so much more, I will always be grateful. He gave of himself and his resources because he believed in me. He believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself.

This time, I had help with the actual physical moving but I did everything else on my own. Totally on my own.

He'd be so proud of me.

Thank you, Michael C. ...

Thank you for caring for me...