Tuesday, March 20, 2012
what doesn't kill you makes you a fighter... always
You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in colour
And do the things I want
You think you got the best of me
Think you had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on over you
You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging
You tried to break me, but you see
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking 'bout me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end...
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
When I'm alone.
~KELLY CLARKSON - STRONGER
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
loving what is
“Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing has ever happened that didn’t need to happen."
~Byron Katie
Don't regret your past... it made you who you are today.
Don't worry about your future... you miss out living this day.
Live in the moment.
Accept the timing of the ebb and flow of your day to day life.
Whatever is meant to be, will happen... hold on for the ride and fly! :)
Byron Katie Quotes:
~Byron Katie
Don't regret your past... it made you who you are today.
Don't worry about your future... you miss out living this day.
Live in the moment.
Accept the timing of the ebb and flow of your day to day life.
Whatever is meant to be, will happen... hold on for the ride and fly! :)
Byron Katie Quotes:
“It's not your job to like me - it's mine”
― Byron Katie
― Byron Katie
“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don't have to like it... it's just easier if you do.”
― Byron Katie
― Byron Katie
“Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them”
― Byron Katie
― Byron Katie
“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.”
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
“All I have is all I need and all I need is all I have in this moment.”
― Byron Katie
― Byron Katie
“The miracle of love comes to you in the presence of the uninterpreted moment. If you are mentally somewhere else, you miss real life.”
― Byron Katie
― Byron Katie
“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.”
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
“Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing ever happened that didn't need to happen.”
― Byron Katie
― Byron Katie
“When they attack you and you notice that you love them with all your heart, your Work is done.”
― Byron Katie
― Byron Katie
“How do you react when you think you need people's love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can't bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon? In fact, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren't, and then when they say "I love you," you can't believe it, because they're loving a facade. They're loving someone who doesn't even exist, the person you're pretending to be. It's difficult to seek other people's love. It's deadly. In seeking it, you lose what is genuine. This is the prison we create for ourselves as we seek what we already have.”
― Byron Katie
― Byron Katie
“Don't be careful. You could hurt yourself.”
― Byron Katie
― Byron Katie
“all the advice you ever gave your partner is for you to hear”
― Byron Katie, Question Your Thinking, Change The World: Quotations from Byron Katie
― Byron Katie, Question Your Thinking, Change The World: Quotations from Byron Katie
“When you srgue with reality, you lose, but only 100% of the time.”
― Byron Katie
― Byron Katie
“Don't believe every thing you think.”
― Byron Katie
― Byron Katie
“If you put your hand into a fire, does anyone have to tell you to move it? Do you have to decide? No: When your hand starts to burn, it moves. You don’t have to direct it; the hand moves itself. In the same way, once you understand, through inquiry, that an untrue thought causes suffering, you move away from it.”
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
“Seeking love keeps you from the awareness that you already have it—that you are it.”
― Byron Katie
― Byron Katie
“I am a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.”
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
“Our parents, our children, our spouses, and our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don't want to know about ourselves, yet. They will point us to our freedom every time.”
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
“When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.”
― Byron Katie
― Byron Katie
“Whatever it takes for you to find your freedom, that's what you've lived.”
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
“Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing has ever happened that didn't need to happen.”
― Byron Katie
― Byron Katie
“Since the beginning of time, people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy. This hasn’t ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward. What The Work gives us is a way to change the projector—mind—rather than the projected. It’s like when there’s a piece of lint on a projector’s lens. We think there’s a flaw on the screen, and we try to change this person and that person, whomever the flaw appears on next. But it’s futile to try to change the projected images. Once we realize where the lint is, we can clear the lens itself. This is the end of suffering, and the beginning of a little joy in paradise.”
― Byron Katie
― Byron Katie
“You are your only hope, because we're not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we're aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.”
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
“In my experience, we don't make thoughts appear, they just appear. One day, I noticed that their appearance just wasn't personal. Noticing that really makes it simpler to inquire.”
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
“You move totally away from reality when you believe that there is a legitimate reason to suffer".”
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
“Being present means living without control and always having your needs met.”
― Byron Katie, On Work And Money
― Byron Katie, On Work And Money
“The only way I can be angry at you is when I have thought, said, or done something that is unkind in my own opinion.”
― Byron Katie
― Byron Katie
“There is nothing that isn't true if you believe it; and nothing is true, believe it or not.”
― Byron Katie
― Byron Katie
“An unquestioned mind is the world of suffering.”
― Byron Katie
― Byron Katie
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
you got a dream? go get it
Every day I enjoy reading others. Their thoughts... their dreams... their passions. In a round about sort of way, my blog has always included others. I link to them when I quote them. I want to make sure that all who come here can jump over "there"... wherever that particular thought or post touched them at their core. Today, I want to share one about passion.
Passion is what makes my heart beat faster. It catches my breath in my throat and makes me stop and feel all the wonder of that moment. I love being passionate! About my family, about my work, about my life... about my babies. I love finding new passions and running with them. To some, it is my biggest fault... to others my greatest gift. I choose to believe what makes me who I am is a gift... as it does you too. *You* have many gifts and the passion flowing through your veins is what will make you feel alive again and again.
Here is one girl's thoughts about passion. I hope her words touch your heart and allow you to take flight... to live... to find something new to make your heart leap... to always always always ~ make you feel alive.
5 Ways to Quit the Confusion & Find Your Passion
Amidst the responses here and in my inbox from people who knew what they loved and wanted, were some who didn’t.
I don’t believe there’s a single person on Earth who ISN’T passionate, who didn’t have a dream growing up.
But somewhere along the line, you lost sight.
Except, you didn’t really.
Something happened.
Something that scared you into hiding your dreams deep inside, safe from the world, from anyone who might crush them before they’ve had a chance to come true.
Maybe you got laughed at or told to grow up
Maybe you went after something you wanted and failed, so gave up
Maybe you do know what you want but are too afraid to say it out loud
Or they seem too small / big / silly / outrageous / normal
Maybe you hide them because you want something you think you shouldn’t
A major reason you can get stuck answering this question is thinking that you need to have one answer for this.
Find that one overriding passion you can dedicate your life to, to find your ‘purpose’ in life.
Being a multipassionate person, it’s no wonder you struggle with this!
Because you’re looking for THE passion.
Which mostly doesn’t exist.
Life isn’t about finding the ‘ultimate’ passion, it’s about living out all of them in varying degrees. Choosing what feels good, what feels resonant with you. Deciding what you want to experience next.
Like I said in that post about passion – the happiest people in the world are those who have a goal/dream and are making progress towards it.
Why is this so important?
Because a life without dreams, a life without passion is half a life. It leads to regrets and sadness. And btw, when I say passion I don’t mean activism or jumping out of planes – it could be something like reading or walking too.
Your passions are very personal and unique to you, even if others share the same passions cos how you interpret them and bring them into your life is something only you can do.
Oh and your dreams, your desires are 10000% valid JUST because you have them. You do NOT have to defend them to anyone, or feel guilty about wanting what you want, k?
There’s no time like the present to get started. So here are 5 ways to help you find, own and live your passionate life out loud.
1) Ask the right questions:
What makes you smile?
What makes you lose time?
What comes naturally to you?
What can’t you stop talking about?
What are you really awesome at doing?
If you knew you could not fail, what would you do?
What would you do for free because you love it so much?
If you had 12 months to live, would you still be doing what you’re doing now?
Yeah but … thoughts are starting to pop up, aren’t they? Listen, just for now, ignore the voice that says ‘this is impractical’ or ‘this will never happen’. Send it out for a walk.
Then grab a journal or piece of paper and start answering these questions. Give yourself a chunk of time or a few minutes of ‘fantasy’ time a day to do this. That’s how you let go of the practicalities for the moment. No BUTS allowed.
2) Think about a time when you felt the happiest & most alive!
Describe the scene. What was happening? Who were you with? What were you doing? What was being said about / to you? How were you feeling? What did you love about that moment?
Eg: A time I felt really alive was when I was in Delhi with my friends and we all jumped into a car in the middle of the night and drove into the city to get ice-cream at India Gate. We’d been hanging out at a friend’s place laughing and talking and someone suggested we go for a joyride. It was so spontaneous and fun, we laughed ALL the way, sang songs in the car and ribbed each other. I felt completely fulfilled, joyous, connected.
From this I get that I am passionate about fun, community and connection and any work that I do has to have these elements in them for me to feel truly alive and living my dream.
I’m also really happy when I am sipping hot chocolate and reading a book by the window as it rains and thunders outside. What I love about that is how mysterious and beautiful it seems from my cozy warm home.
This shows me that learning, nature and alone time is also important to me. So my ideal life must somehow incorporate these as well.
3) Go into your childhood
As a child you knew exactly what you wanted. Those weren’t just flights of fancy, they are real clues to finding your passion. If you don’t remember, ask your mom.
If you wanted to be an astronaut, what about it fascinated you? What did you love the most about the idea? Was it the adventure? The unknown? The enormity? The glory? The exclusivity? Start mining for these little pieces of gold.
They hold the keys to what makes you tick.
If you wanted to be a singer or teacher but didn’t have the voice or lost the passion for it, don’t give up hope! Maybe you won’t be a rock star but you can still have singing in your life in other ways. You could teach singing, join a karaoke club, sing for fun, go to concerts etc. Get creative!
Btw, not every passion has to turn into a living. Thinking that is a big mistake.
Something or someone killed your dreams when you were a child. You are now responsible for bringing them back to life in ways that work for you.
Don’t ever let anyone tell you you can’t do something. Not even you.
"Don't ever let somebody tell you...
...you can't do something.
Not even me.
All right?
- All right.
You got a dream...
...you gotta protect it.
People can't do something themselves...
...they wanna tell you you can't do it.
If you want something, go get it. Period."
~Christopher Gardner, The Pursuit of Happyness
4) Mine for Values
How you do one thing is how you do everything. You may not have realised it but everything you do in life has to do with your values and belief systems.
A value is your moral and personal guide and compass to life.
A belief is a premise that you hold as truth, whether it is or not.
Together, these 2 are what determine how you live your life, respond, react, communicate, think and act. Eg: having a value of say, adventure, would tell you that you’re passionate about new experiences, learning and using certain skills.
Knowing this comes in handy when it comes to the kind of life and career you choose.
Don’t know what your values are? Start here with this list of values by Steve Pavlina and write down the ones that speak to you. Another way to do it is to create your own.
After all, this is your life – you get to live it your way and that includes deciding what values you want to prioritise. If everything you say and do is based on your values and beliefs, wouldn’t YOU rather be in charge of creating empowering ones instead of subconsciously being run by them?
5) Look into the Future
Imagine your life 10 years down the line. If you kept doing what you’re doing today, believing what you believe today, would you be happy where you end up? Or is there something you need to change?
The things you want to do today that scare you – if you never did them, would you regret them in 10 years? 5? 1?
If so, I want you to read this:
There are the top 5 regrets of terminally ill patients:
I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
I wish I didn’t work so hard
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
I wish that I had let myself be happier
(source: Inspiration and Chai)
Which one of these regrets sounds like you?
It’s not too late to start living the life you want, not the life you think you should have. It never is.
If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived? Find your passion, whatever it may be. Become it, and let it become you and you will find great things happen FOR you, TO you and BECAUSE of you.” – Alan Armstrong.
I want to know: What’s your dream? How did you find your passion? Please leave a comment, thanks!
http://www.yourlifeyourway.net/2011/09/01/5-ways-to-quit-the-confusion-find-your-passion/
Passion is what makes my heart beat faster. It catches my breath in my throat and makes me stop and feel all the wonder of that moment. I love being passionate! About my family, about my work, about my life... about my babies. I love finding new passions and running with them. To some, it is my biggest fault... to others my greatest gift. I choose to believe what makes me who I am is a gift... as it does you too. *You* have many gifts and the passion flowing through your veins is what will make you feel alive again and again.
Here is one girl's thoughts about passion. I hope her words touch your heart and allow you to take flight... to live... to find something new to make your heart leap... to always always always ~ make you feel alive.
5 Ways to Quit the Confusion & Find Your Passion
by
What are you passionate about?
I asked this question in my last post about life, death and passion.
I don’t believe there’s a single person on Earth who ISN’T passionate, who didn’t have a dream growing up.
But somewhere along the line, you lost sight.
Except, you didn’t really.
Something happened.
Something that scared you into hiding your dreams deep inside, safe from the world, from anyone who might crush them before they’ve had a chance to come true.
Maybe you got laughed at or told to grow up
Maybe you went after something you wanted and failed, so gave up
Maybe you do know what you want but are too afraid to say it out loud
Or they seem too small / big / silly / outrageous / normal
Maybe you hide them because you want something you think you shouldn’t
A major reason you can get stuck answering this question is thinking that you need to have one answer for this.
Find that one overriding passion you can dedicate your life to, to find your ‘purpose’ in life.
Being a multipassionate person, it’s no wonder you struggle with this!
Because you’re looking for THE passion.
Which mostly doesn’t exist.
Life isn’t about finding the ‘ultimate’ passion, it’s about living out all of them in varying degrees. Choosing what feels good, what feels resonant with you. Deciding what you want to experience next.
Like I said in that post about passion – the happiest people in the world are those who have a goal/dream and are making progress towards it.
Why is this so important?
Because a life without dreams, a life without passion is half a life. It leads to regrets and sadness. And btw, when I say passion I don’t mean activism or jumping out of planes – it could be something like reading or walking too.
Your passions are very personal and unique to you, even if others share the same passions cos how you interpret them and bring them into your life is something only you can do.
Oh and your dreams, your desires are 10000% valid JUST because you have them. You do NOT have to defend them to anyone, or feel guilty about wanting what you want, k?
There’s no time like the present to get started. So here are 5 ways to help you find, own and live your passionate life out loud.
1) Ask the right questions:
What makes you smile?
What makes you lose time?
What comes naturally to you?
What can’t you stop talking about?
What are you really awesome at doing?
If you knew you could not fail, what would you do?
What would you do for free because you love it so much?
If you had 12 months to live, would you still be doing what you’re doing now?
Yeah but … thoughts are starting to pop up, aren’t they? Listen, just for now, ignore the voice that says ‘this is impractical’ or ‘this will never happen’. Send it out for a walk.
Then grab a journal or piece of paper and start answering these questions. Give yourself a chunk of time or a few minutes of ‘fantasy’ time a day to do this. That’s how you let go of the practicalities for the moment. No BUTS allowed.
2) Think about a time when you felt the happiest & most alive!
Describe the scene. What was happening? Who were you with? What were you doing? What was being said about / to you? How were you feeling? What did you love about that moment?
Eg: A time I felt really alive was when I was in Delhi with my friends and we all jumped into a car in the middle of the night and drove into the city to get ice-cream at India Gate. We’d been hanging out at a friend’s place laughing and talking and someone suggested we go for a joyride. It was so spontaneous and fun, we laughed ALL the way, sang songs in the car and ribbed each other. I felt completely fulfilled, joyous, connected.
From this I get that I am passionate about fun, community and connection and any work that I do has to have these elements in them for me to feel truly alive and living my dream.
I’m also really happy when I am sipping hot chocolate and reading a book by the window as it rains and thunders outside. What I love about that is how mysterious and beautiful it seems from my cozy warm home.
This shows me that learning, nature and alone time is also important to me. So my ideal life must somehow incorporate these as well.
3) Go into your childhood
As a child you knew exactly what you wanted. Those weren’t just flights of fancy, they are real clues to finding your passion. If you don’t remember, ask your mom.
If you wanted to be an astronaut, what about it fascinated you? What did you love the most about the idea? Was it the adventure? The unknown? The enormity? The glory? The exclusivity? Start mining for these little pieces of gold.
They hold the keys to what makes you tick.
If you wanted to be a singer or teacher but didn’t have the voice or lost the passion for it, don’t give up hope! Maybe you won’t be a rock star but you can still have singing in your life in other ways. You could teach singing, join a karaoke club, sing for fun, go to concerts etc. Get creative!
Btw, not every passion has to turn into a living. Thinking that is a big mistake.
Something or someone killed your dreams when you were a child. You are now responsible for bringing them back to life in ways that work for you.
Don’t ever let anyone tell you you can’t do something. Not even you.
"Don't ever let somebody tell you...
...you can't do something.
Not even me.
All right?
- All right.
You got a dream...
...you gotta protect it.
People can't do something themselves...
...they wanna tell you you can't do it.
If you want something, go get it. Period."
~Christopher Gardner, The Pursuit of Happyness
4) Mine for Values
How you do one thing is how you do everything. You may not have realised it but everything you do in life has to do with your values and belief systems.
A value is your moral and personal guide and compass to life.
A belief is a premise that you hold as truth, whether it is or not.
Together, these 2 are what determine how you live your life, respond, react, communicate, think and act. Eg: having a value of say, adventure, would tell you that you’re passionate about new experiences, learning and using certain skills.
Knowing this comes in handy when it comes to the kind of life and career you choose.
Don’t know what your values are? Start here with this list of values by Steve Pavlina and write down the ones that speak to you. Another way to do it is to create your own.
After all, this is your life – you get to live it your way and that includes deciding what values you want to prioritise. If everything you say and do is based on your values and beliefs, wouldn’t YOU rather be in charge of creating empowering ones instead of subconsciously being run by them?
5) Look into the Future
Imagine your life 10 years down the line. If you kept doing what you’re doing today, believing what you believe today, would you be happy where you end up? Or is there something you need to change?
The things you want to do today that scare you – if you never did them, would you regret them in 10 years? 5? 1?
If so, I want you to read this:
There are the top 5 regrets of terminally ill patients:
I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
I wish I didn’t work so hard
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
I wish that I had let myself be happier
(source: Inspiration and Chai)
Which one of these regrets sounds like you?
It’s not too late to start living the life you want, not the life you think you should have. It never is.
If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived? Find your passion, whatever it may be. Become it, and let it become you and you will find great things happen FOR you, TO you and BECAUSE of you.” – Alan Armstrong.
I want to know: What’s your dream? How did you find your passion? Please leave a comment, thanks!
http://www.yourlifeyourway.net/2011/09/01/5-ways-to-quit-the-confusion-find-your-passion/
Monday, March 12, 2012
please remember your own worth
"Women are a beautiful and integral part of our lives. They are strong, courageous, caring, sensual, loving and hold a special place in our hearts. Yet even though they impress us with who they are, there is still one flaw that all women have. Today, I invite you to gift yourself and the women in your life a few moments to feel inspired and uplifted. I’m very proud to present an inspirational short movie called "The One Flaw in Women". It has been produced as a tribute to women around the world and is brought to you with the hope that it might brighten your day and do the same for the important women in your life."
http://www.flickspire.com/m/LifeSecrets/OneFlawInWomen
♥♥♥
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
♥♥♥ love yourself more ♥♥♥
Set your heart free to love.
You can't give away love that
*you* do not possess inside.
Love yourself first.
Love yourself more.
Love yourself fully.
Only then will you be able to love others the same.
♥ Love *you* ♥
Friday, March 9, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
♥ this is love ♥
♥ Never settle for anything less....
You deserve the best of the very best. ♥
Watch Christian Videos and Read the Online Bible at GodVine.com
Monday, March 5, 2012
Don't Give Up
Life is full of twists and turns and it is sometimes easy to get sick of the many gyrations that are needed to make a business thrive, a project launch, or even to get internal signoff in some bureaucratic version of the Hokey Pokey.
It would be so easy to quit.
But a part of you knows that many a failure turns into the big success story. In start-up land, Air B&B notably went for 4 years with scraping the barrel kind of funding and just recently received $112 million. Most people don't remember how dire the Apple situation was in 1997 when Steve Jobs returned. A share of Apple back then would buy you a cup of coffee; now it'll get you a nice bottle of Opus One from, say, 1987.
Business is full of stories of perseverance and pursuit — of the almost-failed hero who didn't quit when times were dark. Those stories admonish quitters, and honor the survivors. I should know. I am both.
My dark night literally came in a late evening 1987, when I was attacked by a serial rapist (I was #24 in a long string of crimes, I came to learn later) as I walked home alone to my rented room after a college study session at Denny's restaurant. After the attack, I spent hours with the police capturing details, viewing a police lineup, and visiting the ER to do the rape kit and get sutures for a knife wound.
There were moments in the middle of that night when I thought about quitting. By this time in my life, I had already experienced enough child protective services, enough violence, enough sadness, and enough battles to last many lifetimes. Until that point, I had believed that these struggles were escapable. But the terrorizing thoughts that ran through my mind that night were that I was somehow doomed to this kind of existence. That I must have deserved this. That it was a punishment from God for being disrespectful to my family in even trying to escape. The terror was that I must have done something to bring this on.
If there is such a thing as hell, I am convinced it feels just like that night when a fire of ugly thoughts burns you up from the inside. I admit that I wanted to give up on my life, to end it then because I didn't want to face the shame. I didn't think my friends would want to know me. I didn't think I had the strength to face the pain that would surely follow as the incident took its course through the justice system, interminable counseling sessions, and vivid night terrors. But I did fight. I fought for my dignity. I fought for strength, and I fought for the love-filled life that I experience today. If I had given up, I would not be here to experience any of today's joys, probably the most precious of which is my relationship with my husband and son.
I could have shared a professional business story because I have those too, but it is the visceral nature of our darkest moments I want us to connect to. The desire to quit never comes on a sailboat, feeling the wind on your face, during long hikes in the mountains, or after joyous mountain bike summits. It's not those puppies and sunshine moments that test us. It is when we feel lost, overwhelmed, and exhausted that we feel the desire to quit. Wanting to quit comes when you are tired of the fight and sick of being beaten down in the darkest times of suffering and loss. It's when we can't raise funds and we will be forced to shut our doors. It is when we find out we were betrayed by a fellow founder. It's when a product that needs to work isn't living up to its promise and the marketplace is beating the crap out of the company. It's when we don't know if we'll have another client and we don't know how we'll feed our families. These relentless fears crowd in on us, taking up space. We need something to break our way our way, but instead just the opposite happens — we feel more trapped than ever. That's when the desire to quit floods in.
While I am a survivor, I am also a quitter. In 2010, I shut down my strategy consulting company. I just wasn't able to find a way for it work without a level of persistent attention and energy that had become unsustainable. What had once been inspiring and challenging had become a grind; it was sapping me of my energy. After 11 years of building it, I did what seemed to others a sudden about-face and quit. Colleagues, clients, friends almost universally thought I had lost my mind. I was told I had failed, and I heard that people said to one another that I lacked courage. Hmmph. I mean really. Hmmph.
Life is full of twists and turns. But it also has straight stretches of open road. As each one of us has to learn for ourselves, failure can lead us to a new place. Many times that means sticking it out, pushing through, and yet, sometimes that means putting the thing down. Perseverance is needed in life to be successful, and it is wisdom that lets us know when enough is enough. Sometimes, to get where you're going, you first have to leave where you've been.
If I hadn't put down Rubicon, I know I would still be doing that one thing. All. The. Time. And many people I respected pointed me back to the consulting life because I had proven to be successful at it. As if what I'd done up to this point defined all of what is possible in the future. But a part of me imagined there could be a different way to contribute my domain expertise, and passion for igniting cultures of innovation. And this is key; I imagined it before it was true. I had no proof that I would find a new outlet to use my abilities. That is until this week, when I joined the Board of Directors of EPAX, a NASDAQ-traded education company.
And so sometimes quitting lets us create space to create the next thing. My career wasn't going to be over just because I didn't stick to the firm I had started, and built and led for 11 years.
While your story of wanting to quit will certainly differ from mine, I want to share this: just because you stop doing something doesn't mean you are quitting. Sometimes it's bravery to know it's time to stop and walk away. Experiencing failure isn't the same thing as failing. Letting go doesn't mean you're giving up. And stopping isn't quitting; it is just a pause that lets you sort out where you'll turn next. In our black-and-white, win-or-lose society, we admonish quitters and we celebrate survivors. But life is more nuanced than that.
When might it be your time to "quit"? I can't answer that for you, but I can give you this as a guideline: You can quit things like businesses or projects if you know they are merely one means to your passion. You know if you've done your very best to make it work. But what you can't quit is fighting for your purpose, and living, and finding new, more effective ways to bring forth your passions in the world. We can quit things, but what we can't quit is fighting for our dreams.
More posts by Nilofer Merchant
Nilofer's website
Sunday, March 4, 2012
the value of staying *true* to *you*
"My grandfather used to end conversations prematurely in fear he was taking up too much of your time..."
~Susan Cain
Yes, yes, and yes... exactly!
Susan Cain, the author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, is an introvert. So as she gets up to present from the TED2012 stage, bag in hand, it is not a comfortable experience. But it’s an important one, and that’s the point.
Her family grew up reading — they would read together and bring books on trips. That’s how they were social. She tells a story of going to camp at age 9. Her mother packed her a bag full of books to read quietly, the normal thing her family did on vacation, thinking camp would be the same, “I had a vision of ten girls sitting in a cabin reading books in their matching night-gowns.” But when she got to “Camp Rowdie” (as they spelled it), she was ridiculed the first time she read her book, for not being social and outgoing and not having enough camp spirit. So she put her books away, and didn’t get them out for the rest of the summer. (And she drives the point home by putting her bag under a table.)
She has, she tells us, at least 50 stories like that. 50 ways, little and small, where the message was clearly sent: being an introvert is wrong.
And that bugged her. Cain felt — had an intuition — that as an introvert she had value. But she didn’t know how to articulate that at the time, and so she became a lawyer. She wanted to be an author, but all her internalized notions about what is good made her reflexively choose the profession associated with extroversion, choose to go to a bar rather than a nice dinner with friends.
That bias, she claims, is everyone’s loss. While the world certainly need extroverts, it also needs introverts doing what they do best. It’s a bias that has no name. To understand it, we need to understand that introversion isn’t about not being social, it’s not being shy, it’s about how someone responds to stimulation. While extroverts crave social interaction, introverts are much more alive while they’re alone. Cain brings in her thesis with the insight that, “The key to maximizing talents is to put yourself into the zone of stimulation that’s right for you.”
It’s a simple-sounding lesson, but a very difficult one to really get, and act on. As she points out, we’re living in a culture that increasingly values groupthink. We believe that creativity comes from a very oddly gregarious place. In the classroom, where Cain and her fellow students used to sit in rows, and to read and work alone, students are increasingly put in groups and asked to be committee members — even for solving math problems or creative writing. Kids who prefer to work alone are seen as problem cases, and graded accordingly. Teachers report, and believe, that the ideal student is extroverted. (“Even though introvers get better grades, and are more knowledgeable.”)
And it’s the same in office environments. Introverts are routinely passed over for leadership roles. That’s a real problem because research has shown that, as leaders, introverts are more careful, much less likely to take outsized risks, and are more likely to let creative and proactive team members run with their own ideas, rather than run over them or squash them — something that should be an ideal trait in the modern office.
Indeed, says Cain, some of the most transformative leaders in history — Eleanor Roosevelt, Ghandi, Rosa Parks — were introverts. Each of those described themselves as quiet, soft-spoken, or shy. That quietness had a special, extraordinary power of it’s own. People could tell that these leaders were there because they had no choice, because they were doing what they thought was right.
Of course, Cain loves introverts, and no one is purely intro- or extroverted. We all fall somewhere on that spectrum. But most of us recognize ourselves as one or another, and “culturally we need a better balance, we need a better Yin and Yang between these two things.”
Solitude, as Cain says, is a key to creativity. Darwin took long walks in the woods and turned down dinner invitations, Dr. Seuss wrote alone, and was afraid of meeting the kids who read his books for fear they would be disappointed at how quiet he was. Steve Wozniak claimed he never would have become such an expert if he left the house. Of course, collaboration is good (witness Woz and Steve Jobs), but there is a transcendent power of solitude.
Indeed, most major religions have seekers, Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed, each went into the wild to learn. No wilderness, no revelation.
And the things we’re learning from psychology affirm this. We can’t be in a group of people without instinctively mirroring each other, and groups follow the most charistmatic person, even though there is no correlation between being a good speaker and having great ideas. (Hesitant, then full laughter from the TED crowd.)
But why are we getting it so wrong? Part of it is our history. “Western societies have always favored the man of action over the man of contemplation. Well, ‘man’” On top of that, people are moving to cities and new places, and instead of working with people they’ve known their whole life, they have to meet and impress new people. That leads to a way of thinking that values being outgoing and charismatic.
Again, she is not talking about eliminating teamwork. Those same religions all teach love and trust, and we need that more than ever. But the more freedom we give introverts to be themselves, the more freedom they’ll have to come up with their own creative solutions.
Cain steps back to her suitcase and offers to tell us what’s in it now. It turns out to be: “Books!” Three, in fact: Milan Kundera, Margaret Atwood and Eumonides. Those, it turns out, are her grandfather’s favorite authors.
Her grandfather was a rabbi. He lived alone in a small Brooklyn appartment filled with books, and it was Cain’s favorite place. He loved to read, but also loved his congregation. He read constantly, and he “took the fruits of his reading and would weave these intricate tapestries” for his congregation. And yet, as he talked, he had trouble making eye contact with the same people he had led for 62 years. Late into his life, when someone called him, he would end the conversation early, for fear he was wasting their time.
And when he died at age 92, the police had to shut down the street because of the throngs of admirers who wanted to pay their respects.
Following in his example, Cain wrote her book. It took her seven years to write; seven years of reading, researching, thinking — total bliss. And now that it’s done she needs to go out in the world and talk about it. That’s not something that comes easily, or comfortably to her. But she’s excited about it, this “year of speaking dangerously,” because she thinks the world is on the brink of change in how we treat introverts.
To help that along, she has three calls to action:
1) “End the madness of constant group-work.” (The audience applauds.) Offices need chatty conversations, and great spaces to make serendipitous interactions. But we need much more privacy, and more autonomy. The same is true — more true — for schools. Yes, teach kids to work together, but also how to work alone.
2) “Go to the wilderness, be like Buddha. Have your own revelations.” You don’t have to go build huts in the woods and be isolated, but we could all stand to unplug and be in our heads for a time.
3) “Take a good look at what’s inside your own suitcase, and why you put it there.” Extroverts, whose bags might be filled with Champagne bubbles and sky-diving kits, grace us with the energy and joy of these objects. Introverts probably guard the secrets of their suitcases, and that’s cool.
“But occasionally, just occasionally, I hope you will open the suitcase up.. because the world needs you and what you carry.”
In a sign that she’s right that change is coming, almost the entire auditorium, introvert and extrovert alike rises to give a standing ovation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We have morphed from a culture of valuing a person's character to a culture of valuing their personality. What a shame...
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
~Dr. Seuss
~Susan Cain
Yes, yes, and yes... exactly!
Susan Cain, the author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, is an introvert. So as she gets up to present from the TED2012 stage, bag in hand, it is not a comfortable experience. But it’s an important one, and that’s the point.
Her family grew up reading — they would read together and bring books on trips. That’s how they were social. She tells a story of going to camp at age 9. Her mother packed her a bag full of books to read quietly, the normal thing her family did on vacation, thinking camp would be the same, “I had a vision of ten girls sitting in a cabin reading books in their matching night-gowns.” But when she got to “Camp Rowdie” (as they spelled it), she was ridiculed the first time she read her book, for not being social and outgoing and not having enough camp spirit. So she put her books away, and didn’t get them out for the rest of the summer. (And she drives the point home by putting her bag under a table.)
She has, she tells us, at least 50 stories like that. 50 ways, little and small, where the message was clearly sent: being an introvert is wrong.
And that bugged her. Cain felt — had an intuition — that as an introvert she had value. But she didn’t know how to articulate that at the time, and so she became a lawyer. She wanted to be an author, but all her internalized notions about what is good made her reflexively choose the profession associated with extroversion, choose to go to a bar rather than a nice dinner with friends.
That bias, she claims, is everyone’s loss. While the world certainly need extroverts, it also needs introverts doing what they do best. It’s a bias that has no name. To understand it, we need to understand that introversion isn’t about not being social, it’s not being shy, it’s about how someone responds to stimulation. While extroverts crave social interaction, introverts are much more alive while they’re alone. Cain brings in her thesis with the insight that, “The key to maximizing talents is to put yourself into the zone of stimulation that’s right for you.”
It’s a simple-sounding lesson, but a very difficult one to really get, and act on. As she points out, we’re living in a culture that increasingly values groupthink. We believe that creativity comes from a very oddly gregarious place. In the classroom, where Cain and her fellow students used to sit in rows, and to read and work alone, students are increasingly put in groups and asked to be committee members — even for solving math problems or creative writing. Kids who prefer to work alone are seen as problem cases, and graded accordingly. Teachers report, and believe, that the ideal student is extroverted. (“Even though introvers get better grades, and are more knowledgeable.”)
And it’s the same in office environments. Introverts are routinely passed over for leadership roles. That’s a real problem because research has shown that, as leaders, introverts are more careful, much less likely to take outsized risks, and are more likely to let creative and proactive team members run with their own ideas, rather than run over them or squash them — something that should be an ideal trait in the modern office.
Indeed, says Cain, some of the most transformative leaders in history — Eleanor Roosevelt, Ghandi, Rosa Parks — were introverts. Each of those described themselves as quiet, soft-spoken, or shy. That quietness had a special, extraordinary power of it’s own. People could tell that these leaders were there because they had no choice, because they were doing what they thought was right.
Of course, Cain loves introverts, and no one is purely intro- or extroverted. We all fall somewhere on that spectrum. But most of us recognize ourselves as one or another, and “culturally we need a better balance, we need a better Yin and Yang between these two things.”
Solitude, as Cain says, is a key to creativity. Darwin took long walks in the woods and turned down dinner invitations, Dr. Seuss wrote alone, and was afraid of meeting the kids who read his books for fear they would be disappointed at how quiet he was. Steve Wozniak claimed he never would have become such an expert if he left the house. Of course, collaboration is good (witness Woz and Steve Jobs), but there is a transcendent power of solitude.
Indeed, most major religions have seekers, Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed, each went into the wild to learn. No wilderness, no revelation.
And the things we’re learning from psychology affirm this. We can’t be in a group of people without instinctively mirroring each other, and groups follow the most charistmatic person, even though there is no correlation between being a good speaker and having great ideas. (Hesitant, then full laughter from the TED crowd.)
But why are we getting it so wrong? Part of it is our history. “Western societies have always favored the man of action over the man of contemplation. Well, ‘man’” On top of that, people are moving to cities and new places, and instead of working with people they’ve known their whole life, they have to meet and impress new people. That leads to a way of thinking that values being outgoing and charismatic.
Again, she is not talking about eliminating teamwork. Those same religions all teach love and trust, and we need that more than ever. But the more freedom we give introverts to be themselves, the more freedom they’ll have to come up with their own creative solutions.
Cain steps back to her suitcase and offers to tell us what’s in it now. It turns out to be: “Books!” Three, in fact: Milan Kundera, Margaret Atwood and Eumonides. Those, it turns out, are her grandfather’s favorite authors.
Her grandfather was a rabbi. He lived alone in a small Brooklyn appartment filled with books, and it was Cain’s favorite place. He loved to read, but also loved his congregation. He read constantly, and he “took the fruits of his reading and would weave these intricate tapestries” for his congregation. And yet, as he talked, he had trouble making eye contact with the same people he had led for 62 years. Late into his life, when someone called him, he would end the conversation early, for fear he was wasting their time.
And when he died at age 92, the police had to shut down the street because of the throngs of admirers who wanted to pay their respects.
Following in his example, Cain wrote her book. It took her seven years to write; seven years of reading, researching, thinking — total bliss. And now that it’s done she needs to go out in the world and talk about it. That’s not something that comes easily, or comfortably to her. But she’s excited about it, this “year of speaking dangerously,” because she thinks the world is on the brink of change in how we treat introverts.
To help that along, she has three calls to action:
1) “End the madness of constant group-work.” (The audience applauds.) Offices need chatty conversations, and great spaces to make serendipitous interactions. But we need much more privacy, and more autonomy. The same is true — more true — for schools. Yes, teach kids to work together, but also how to work alone.
2) “Go to the wilderness, be like Buddha. Have your own revelations.” You don’t have to go build huts in the woods and be isolated, but we could all stand to unplug and be in our heads for a time.
3) “Take a good look at what’s inside your own suitcase, and why you put it there.” Extroverts, whose bags might be filled with Champagne bubbles and sky-diving kits, grace us with the energy and joy of these objects. Introverts probably guard the secrets of their suitcases, and that’s cool.
“But occasionally, just occasionally, I hope you will open the suitcase up.. because the world needs you and what you carry.”
In a sign that she’s right that change is coming, almost the entire auditorium, introvert and extrovert alike rises to give a standing ovation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We have morphed from a culture of valuing a person's character to a culture of valuing their personality. What a shame...
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
~Dr. Seuss
Saturday, March 3, 2012
always choose to get back up
I don't much care what my house looks like if it's in the right place.
I don't much care what my job is if it's with the right people.
I don't much care who is close to me if they care about me.
I don't much care how long or short I live if I live every day as best I can.
I don't much care how strong I am if I'm stronger than I was.
I don't much care if my heart breaks because I loved too much.
I don't much care how long my trials are if they are for a worthy cause.
Discipline is the capacity to face with serenity odds that are not included in our expectations.
I must never forget how easy it is to fall, and that I have to choose to get back up. It won't happen without a sincere effort.
Quotes from:
~Bill Ellsworth
I don't much care what my job is if it's with the right people.
I don't much care who is close to me if they care about me.
I don't much care how long or short I live if I live every day as best I can.
I don't much care how strong I am if I'm stronger than I was.
I don't much care if my heart breaks because I loved too much.
I don't much care how long my trials are if they are for a worthy cause.
Discipline is the capacity to face with serenity odds that are not included in our expectations.
I must never forget how easy it is to fall, and that I have to choose to get back up. It won't happen without a sincere effort.
Quotes from:
~Bill Ellsworth
Friday, March 2, 2012
live with your whole heart
Vulnerability is not only the core of our fear and shame, it is also the birthplace of our joy, creativity, belonging, and love. To live wholehearted, we must not fear our vulnerability or be ashamed of who we are at our core. We cannot selectively numb that which we are ashamed of or fear. If we numb those things, then we numb everything. It is a cycle of self-destruction. Love yourself with your whole heart and embrace your core, with all of it's imperfections and don't be afraid to show people who you are... it will free your soul and your mind; and your heart will be open to receive the love and joy you deserve. Believe you deserve all the good things this life has to offer... ♥
Brené's Blog
Thursday, March 1, 2012
♥ live for the moments you can't put into words ♥
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For the first time in two and a half years, since September 12th, 2008 and Hurricane Ike... for the first time I was back behind a set of m...
